Assassination attempt on the life of John Ritter thwarted
by Chuck Norris (again)
While the world was distracted with Superman's
cape, yet another attempt was made on the life of "Three's company"
star John Ritter. Ritter was on his way to a public bath house when he was abducted
by a bunch of guys wearing turbans with guns. As he was pulled onto the back
of their magic carpet, he yelled, "I have no regrets, except I turned down
Jepetto, damn you Drew
Carey!"
In a skyscraper, high above the kidnapping, Chuck Norris
was wedding a gay couple with help from George W. Bush. Hearing Ritter's cries,
he took George Bush in his arms and leapt from a 20th story balcony without
hesitation. They landed on the escaping carpet with Ritter and the terrorist
ring leader. The surprised terror monger rose to face Norris with the characteristic
Muslim style of dirty fighting, but he made the mistake of looking Chuck directly
in the eyes. The power of Norris made him fall to his knees, "Please effendi,
spare me!" he exclaimed. The stage was set for a classic Chuck Norris one-liner...
"Three's company," said Norris with a dramatic pause, "but four's
a crowd." He then delivered a round house so powerful, it was mistaken
for the apocalypse.
After
the ordeal, Ritter was all smiles at a press conference, "even when I shat
the full contents of my lunch into my pants, I knew Chuck would save me."
Ritter has been targeted by terrorists in the past, once in a men's washroom
in 1998 (rescued by Norris) and once again during a parade in San Francisco
in 1999 (rescued by Scott Bakula). When asked why he thinks he is so often a
target of Islamic terrorists, Ritter replied, "It's because my heroic television
and movie projects directly threaten their terrorist ways!"
"Ha ha, Johnboy is filmin' an episode of "8 Simple Rules for Dating
My Teenage Daughter" that is so powerful that it will destroy all of Muslamic
Terrorist Arabia," piped in an already drunk George Bush.
Eye witnesses to the rescue claimed to have seen "an old, balding Robotic
man" cursing Chuck Norris as he skulked away into the shadows. Chuckynorris.com
speculates that this could be Norris' arch-nemesis Robot Jimmy Carter. When
asked, Norris replied, with a laugh, "What? Jesus H. Carter wants another
ass thumping eh?" Then he signified the press conference was over, with
a firm, manly slap to George Bush's bottom.
Norris, Saint Bush and Rev. Ritter meet
their adoring public
-Snuggs