Leafs to Win 93/94 Stanley Cup

With the recent acquisition of Joe Nieuwendyk, Doug Gilmour and a DeLorean that can travel through time, the Toronto Maple Leafs are all set to win their first Stanley Cup since the 1950's. The Leafs, with an average player age of 65, plan to send their current roster back to a simpler time. A time where OJ simpson was just an excellent football player, a time where George Clooney graced the airwaves as a maverick pediatrician and people everywhere only dreamed of time travel...This time is 1993. And they plan to win the Stanley Cup.

Leafs coach Pat Quinn had this to say about the plan: "People criticize me for getting Gilmour, especially now that he has retired after only a couple of minutes of play. But, I'll show them! He may be retired now, but is he retired in 1993?" He went on to say, "in the 93/94 season, the core of our team DIDN'T suck! Even Shayne Corson was good back then. We're gonna kick some ass in '93!" (Cont'd below)

Of course, some of the current players will be too young to play in 1994. "Antropov can be our water boy," joked a visibly excited Gilmour, "I'm one of the few players who actually played for the Leafs back then, I can't wait to play against myself in practices when we get back there, I'll bet we'll be pretty evenly matched."

You might think the original Stanley cup champions of 93/94, the New York Rangers, might have something to say about the Leafs winning. To make sure the Leafs do win, we here at chuckynorris.com did some time traveling of our own.

We sent Rat Manning back to when Mark Messier was a little kid to traumatize him, badly, so that he'd never play hockey. In the middle of the night, while young master Messier was fast asleep, Manning perched on his bed and whispered "you don't play hockey you little shit!" while brushing his hair, until he woke up. When Messier clicked on the light, he saw a near naked Manning wearing nothing but and empty bag of Lays Potato chips yelling, "THE HOCKEY MAN'S GONNA EAT YOU!". When Messier's dad came into the room, Manning beat him with a cricket bat, screaming "You play this! You play this! You play this!" Today Mark Messier is Bombay, India's best cricket dude (player? pitcher? whatever).

Meanwhile, I traveled further back in time to when Walter Gretzky was just a young man. I beat him until he was ugly (er). I did this so he'd never find a woman where he could park his meat bus and make a little Wayne. "NOT MY FACE! OH GOD, NOT MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!" he screamed as I pummeled him. Another plus is Wayne will never make those awful Ford ads now.

The question is: will this ambitious plan work? Yes, I can say for sure it will, cause I remember the Leafs winning the 1994 cup. In '94, the leafs are gonna hit the ice like my public school principal hits his wife (which is hard and for no reason). I remember them winning now quite clearly! John ritter was there, still alive, and EVERYONE WAS HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY!

-Snuggles