Startling revelations from inquest into 9/11 tragedy

The Question: Could the events of September 11, 2001 a day of terrible tragedy, have been averted?

The Answer: Yes

Explanation: A two year inquest into the events of 9/11 concluded yesterday with startling results. It was found that the September 11 tragedy was largely the result of government cutbacks to organizations that fight terrorism.

"Organizations like the FBI or the CIA?" you ask. Good question (you friggin' idiot).

The answer: Of course not foolish reader, those are pussy organizations that couldn't fight terrorism with all the money in the world. The organization that has suffered the most from cut backs is team G.I. Joe.

For years, Joes -those lovable American heroes - fought the dastardly terrorist organization "Cobra" in a pitched worldwide battle of global domination. But in 1987, when Cobra was defeated and Cobra Commander was locked safely in jail , the U.S government embarked on an era of relaxed Joe spending.

In the late 80's early cutbacks reduced the number of missiles on GI Joe vehicles (to numbers as low as 25!). Then, in the early 90's, larger cutbacks forced closure of several Joe fortresses , including an undersea hideout in the Pacific, an arctic base and, most notably, their Manhattan sub-headquarters. The late 90's were also characterized by billions of dollars of cutbacks. The cutbacks were so severe that Hawk had to start laying off some of his ace Joes.

Gone in 1996 were Roadblock, Grandslam and Gung Ho; in 1997 Snow job, Shortfuse and Alpine (gone with the closure of a second arctic base); in 1999, in perhaps the most crippling cutback, the entire G.I. Joe Middle East division were laid off including Joes: Trip wire, Tunnel Rat, Outback, Snake Eyes, Maverick, Hardball, Sgt. Slaughter and Chuckles.

Without these Joes, G.I. Joe was severely limited in its intelligence gathering and ninja star throwing departments. And the layoff of Sgt. Slaughter seriously hurt the G.I. Joe training program and raw recruits (of which there were few) were vastly under trained.

When a Republican government was elected in 2000, President George Bush saw the problem, created largely by the Democrats (Bill Clinton is Satan), and sought to increase Joe spending. But the

Picture: The G.I. Joes in happier times (photo courtesy Doc Snuggles)

butt sniffing liberal controlled Senate failed to ratify a proposed Bill to increase Joe spending. Said then Senate majority leader Tom Daschle, "The G.I. Joes have no relevance in today's peaceful society. Gone are the days of massive terrorist weather control machines and Destro led missile attacks on our cities."

George Bush was aghast with these developments, but unable to act. Then, on September 11th, 2001...tragedy struck.

Picture: Prez Bush confers with his most trusted advisor (photo from Rat Manning's unusual selection of "pornography")

-Herr Doktor Snuggles (Zieg Snuggly!)